So I have decided to not go to Boston. I am not sure why...well...I just don't think that I could leave my friends and my dogs. It is kind of sad for me, but I will get over it and I am sure that I will embrace my experiance at APU. I feel like my world is upside-down right now. I am failing 2 classes at Citrus and have a 3.5 at the high school. I know a 3.5 is good, but I am taking bogus classes and should be getting a 4.0. I will have to get that up by the semester. I am pretty confident that I will get into APU, but a little unsure of the whole process. I should have just applied as a transfer student, but no I had to go in and ask, so now I am applying as a Freshmen. This is okay except for the fact that my high school transcipts are nothing to be proud of and I really want to live in the mods with Ashley who will be a sophmore next year. I have been on APU's campus a lot more lately, and I like it. I just really want the whole process to be over with and for it to be May. I want to know that I got in, to know where and with whom I am living (Ashley), how I am going to pay for it, and what classes I am going to take next semester. Then all I will have to do is to go and enjoy the last month of my senior year. I just wish it was all taken care of and a sure thing; this whole not knowing thing is really eating away at me. I don't like suspense, I never have, not in movies and surely not in real life.

So the rest of my life...well things with friends are going pretty well. Ashley and I are very close. We spend most of our free time with eachother. I really love her. I am surprised that we haven't fought that much really. I am not sure why. She is still wavering with Tony and that makes me sad. I dont want to see her get hurt. Beth is good. I got her to go to APU with me last week and I think that she liked it. She is applying. I wanted to live with her too, but we fight a lot more than ashley and I fight. I am not sure if her parents would let her stay on campus anyway because it is so close to home. If that is the case, she shouldn't go to APU. I would rather her go to Point Loma that is 2 hours away and live with a stranger and not get to see her often then for her to be trapped at home for 4 more years. It is so important to me that she go to a private school and live on campus. I just hope that her parents see the importance of it too. I haven't seen Sarah in a while (well I saw her 2 weeks ago, but it wasnt anything too significant b/c Beth and Ashley were there and I didn't want to make them feel left out). Sarah and i have a different kind of relationship than any of my other friends and I do. I cant put it into words why it is different or what about hr makes me so drawn to being her friend, but I love her. I am going to call her. Charlie is doing well. He really likes working at Disneyland, which in my opinion is very bittersweet. I wish that there were more straight guys that he could talk to, but there aren't any, that is right, there are none! On a brighter note, our relationship is getting better. He and I talk a lot and I think that he is starting to trust me more. (I did not do anything it is just that he has always been more of an inside person and now he is letting others inside too) I hope that he one day finds me comfortable enough to tell me more stuff. When he is ready. Brian is doing well, i guess. We always seem to have these really great conversations on the phone, but in person he is just annoying. Why is this?

I am really enjoying PALS.  Clune has been fabulous and the class is pretty great. I am really liking Katie, but she and Dan and Lisa are attached. Melanie is pretty great and so is Lauren and Becky. It has been easier this year. I am not sure if it is because I am older and more wiser, or if the class dy namics are differnet. I am sure that it is a combination of both. I stay in her class during nutrition, but i dont want her to think that i am needy, i feel like the kids who stay in while there is a break are needy and dont fit in. I guess that is me, but I dont want her to feel like that. I think that i should tell her that i was throwing up a lot while in PALS the last time. I haven't in like a month, or so.

I want to be thin so badly. I want to have the stomach surgery. I want it so badly. I want my insurance to cover it and I want to have it soon. Ideally it would happen over Christmas break so that i could recover, but i don't think that is possible. I hope that it could happen by Easter though. Then I could be thinner by graduation and look good next year by the time school starts. The research is saying that teens have to have a BMI of 40. I have one of 37.6, so I have to gain 15 pounds. I really hope if i do that it will work. I want it so bad. I am going to do a bit more research, and I still have to find a doctor to go to and then one that will approve my surgery, and then an insurance company that will pay. I hope this works. Pray for me. Jenn

It has been a while. I am not really sure why, perhaps it is because it is just easier to neglect bad feelings then it is to face them.  Wow, what a morbid beginning.  Let me first tell you about what is going on in my life since I last updated. 

I got a job. I am a nanny, an au'Pair, a sitter, whatever you want the name to be, I am watching two little boys during the summer while their parents work. Me, I like au'pair, it sounds cool, much more sophisticated then babysitter. Their names: Hunter and Spencer, ages: 7 and 5. A little rambunctious, but they are fun. Their mom, however, has got to be the best person I have ever worked for. It may just be that i came out of a job with a terrible boss, and now have this laid back, fun lady to work for, or she may just be wonderful, whatever it is i dont care. I like my job.  I am taking summer school at Citrus, not that bad at all actually. I have met quite a few really wonderful students and am actually enjoying going to class. It is only a 6 week class, 14 class sessions to be exact. only 4 more to go! College Algebra, PE, and developmental Psychology are almost complete, as is my freshman year of college. That is really cool for me. :)  I am saving for a car, which is by far taking all of the self control in me. I finally have a lot of money to go and buy al of the nice things i so desperately desire, and am not able to if I want to have a car to get me there. All good things come with time right?

Now the more "serious" stuff. I recieved some...well... good news? Yes..what am i saying, i have gotten into PALS for next year. The reason that i am so unsure is because i am not sure if i am ready for it. I knwo that it is not a big deal, that it is a class, and that really, nobody goes to talk to you about their problems at Gelndora High anyway. (people in Glendora a bred not to share their feelings, not to let anyone know that things are not perfect in their lives, not to even have problems at home or be depressed) But, I want to really take advantage of this class. I want it to shape me and make me ready to be the person that i am to become. HMPH...i feel like I am not saying what i am tryin to get out....When i was in pals my sophmore year, i was going through a lot. I was..hahahaha...like i am not going through a lot now. (sarcasitc tone) ahhhh!!! I was one of those students at glendora who was trained to pretend that everything is going fine when inside i was bursting. I have a problem with intimacy. I am not able to be close to people. I am not able to let them know who i am unless I know who they are. I dont take chances. I will tell you about me only if i know about you, only if i know that your stuff is worse than mine, not always, but in most cases. wow...i wrote it down. I was not able to take advantage of that class because i was not willing to put myself out their to be vulnerable. and i am not sure if i am now. i want to be able to be the one who helps others to release that anxiety by being able to tell others about me and my problems so that they can feel comfortable telling me their problems after. At dinner the other night with Beth Charlie and Ashley, (the fabulous four) I was asking charlie, a guy i know is hurting inside but cant release it, what was going on in his life. we all started talking about our family situations and we came to the conclusion that everyone's family is messed up. Beth ... who never talks about her problems, came out and said, "Jen, the only reason that you want to know about my problems is because you want to know that you are better than us, that your problems aren't so bad, you want to feel superior." and while that is not the only reason, I think that she hit it on the nose. I want the reassurance that i am not so bad. i dont know if i would consciously say that i want to feel superior, but maybe in my subconscious i really do feel that way. i want to not be that person. I want to be someone who cares genuinely. I can be that person, i can truely care.